I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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