plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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