my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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