I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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