3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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