I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
