The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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