my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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