Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
