quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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