Sry I called you an 8
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
