Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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