I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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