I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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