you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
