Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize