that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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