My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
