He felt like a one man threesome
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize