I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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