Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
