Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
