She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
