Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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