I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
