I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
