does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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