my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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