evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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