life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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