Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
