OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
