DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
