I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
