I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
