you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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