she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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