Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
