Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
