Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
