You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize