I just threw up on my dentist
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
