I just made out with a guy for $7.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
