Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize