I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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