Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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