I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
