best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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