Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
