why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
