if you like me you must not know who I am
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
