why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We had to coat check the pizza.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
