broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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