It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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