In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
