Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Watching her eat just hurts me
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So much rum. So many feels.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize