I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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