We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
