Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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